I just see his name poppin' in a facebook notification, and my heart just stops for a second....and then all the endorphines from when we were together fully strike my brain, then....my heart is going crazy, like a good crazy....but the rest of the time, it's like he's in a deep deep dark corner of my soul, it's like he pops in here and there, with a giant impact on my brain and heart, but that's it. For just a short period of time I feel like he's back into my life, just from seeing his name, which I may say it is a hell of a strange feeling.
Yeah, this is about my first, C. He's in a relationship now, and apparently he's doing just fine. By the way, he is giving the best hugs ever.
See? Exactly what I was saying... the feeling's gone, and it only went for like 5 minutes but usually depends on my mood.
This is about one of them tho...
With G, it's complicated, or not. I have the same feeling when I see his name poppin', but it's different. Even worse, cause my heart goes with 200 'wtf is going on's per hour. He's in some type of depression, and after a quick research it seems like depressed people can't attach nor can get involved in something called 'relationship'. Maybe they want to, but emotionally they can't get involved. I think they need to be loved, but can't get anything in return. Does not sound so good, right?
He was getting attached in the beginning, as I've mentioned before, but hey, life happened to him + the fear of becoming vulnerable = emotionally unavailable wreck. Don't mean to be rude tho, but I can totally understand what's going on with him, and the fact that he's going through stuff and not being able to connect as I would want to.
I've been thinking about something... I'm thinking about C's affection because of the lack from G.
Though C was my first boyfriend I don't see myself with him anymore, it's not about that, I just care for him and I want things to be good for him, but at the same time I'd like to get affection from him because he is closer to me than G (location speaking). Like replacing what you really want with what you can get. Twisted mind games.
You know, sometimes I have the impression that my mind is playing me like I'm all at peace and chill and all of a sudden from the depths of the heart: Bitch, you need affection. Of course we all need to feel loved or at least a nice warm hug, but the need should feel that strong? It's a pain in the ass actually. Can someone be affection addicted?
It's not the skin to skin touch, or human's touch, for me it's more like what I feel when I hug someone, or the emotions that hugs are waking up inside, or cuddles. To give you an example, I hugged someone I recently met, and it felt so good when he was hugging me so so tight, you know, gives you the feeling that they're open and they're really invested in that moment that you can magically feel some of their emotions through that hug. It's kind of hard to explain something that makes you feel so good spiritually. Just like you can't really explain how an orgasm feels like to someone who never had one.
The main idea is that I'm doomed to a life with no affection , haha, nah, I'm joking, but what I need to do now is to think things through, to give G time, to deal with his things, to give myself time, to deal with my things, and I don't know, to try and live with this constant need, learn how to live with it, how to control it. Sounds so serious, but it's actually a matter of self-control and self-consciousness, I guess.
Tho, if I'm thinking better this might be a consequence of all those years I was chasing boys, so yeah, I guess the solution is to stop doing that. But I did it again with G. Bad habits die hard, huh?
Did, as in past tense, now I'm trying to act like a normal human being and stop stressing that poor soul. He didn't ask for any of these, but hey, some of us are luckier than others. And as I like to say, Shit Happens, my friends. And I know he cares about me, but yeah, we all have some shit going on.
These, being said, I'll leave you with the drama queen of trap and hip hop, the one and only, XXXTentacion. His new album has great stuff. Click here ^_^
See ya! ^^
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